20 years ago this summer, I graduated high school. 20 years ago. Seems impossible, but it is indeed true. I'm getting ready for my reunion, and I'm really not sure how I feel about the whole thing.
Okay, that's a lie. Here is how I feel about it--anxious. This is no surprise, as I feel anxious about going to the mall, calling to schedule appointments, and going to the library.
So, as I head into this reunion, I'm anxious. I wasn't a popular kid; my big activities in school were band (at which I was not terribly good) and Quiz Team (at which I was very good). I didn't have many friends, and was teased pretty badly by some of the other kids. I was fat (not really, but I was convinced that I was), insecure, unhappy, and lonely, living mostly in elaborate day-dream sequences that involved various members of Duran Duran and Rick Springfield coming to rescue me.
Thinking about the reunion is sort of like being rolfed by every bad memory I can conjure up--attending my first dance and having not one person talk to me, overhearing my name being used as a punchline for a joke among some boys, and some even more embarrassing things I can't bring myself to mention. I wish I could reach back in time to the girl I was, and hold her and tell her all the things she needs to hear. You are okay just as you are, there is a wonderful man who will love you even if you aren't perfect, you can't fix everything for everyone, you don't have to pretend to be happy all the time, and you are lovely--simply lovely. And I love you.
I've learned so much in 20 years. I have a wonderful life that isn't anything like the one I had planned--which involved again, various members of Duran Duran. I have a wonderful life that is what I want, on my terms, with the person I chose to be with, and who chooses (heaven knows why, sometimes) to be with me. But still inside is the gun-shy girl who worries that nobody at the reunion will like her because she is fat (for real this time), she isn't smart or important enough. I'm hoping she'll look out at the party and see how happy people are to see us, how she's the only one who cares about the other crap, and that, though fat, we look pretty danged good.
Happy Labor Day 2023!
1 year ago
3 comments:
You mean I'm not the only one who has anxiety about making appointments? Bless you! (I actually have anxiety about using the phone at all-mainly out of habit, or the lack of habit, so thanks for your commiserating.) I must salute you for being so bold as to go to your high school reunion. I never could get up the energy, myself. Rest assured, you will be one of the most beautiful people there....because you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever known (in and out). I'll stop being sappy now. I really do feel you are a lovely person, though. Now, go forth and reune!
Punkin'
You are brave and lovely. Go and have fun and dance up a storm with your sweet fella!
I have ducked and run from all high school reunions. But just this past year, all sorts of funny old men found me and asked why I did not appear at our last one. That would be our 25th. They were all bald and tubby. No women in sight. I think the scary old men drove them away.
I am frequently identified by people who have not seen me for years because I have a strange voice. Cringe.
Used too many drugs in high school, so I have trouble identifying photos of my own self and family let alone knowing who other people were...
Husband very happily passed on his 45th, a few years back. I wanted to go. Now two years away from his 50th, betcha we won't be attending that either...
Yeah, whatever you felt about yourself in high school does NOT matter. You have a loving and lovely partner at your side and you are an interesting and complicated woman.
IF you want to go -- go and realize all sorts of us other not-high-school-superstars will really like you.
if I were at your high school reunion, I would be thrilled to meet you and Mr. Maundering.
All the best to you, whether you go or not!
Aww. You ladies are great.
Thanks for reading my whiny post...
I am going to go to the reunion, and when I think rationally about it (which is indeed a stretch for me)I'm sure I'll have a good time. If only I can find a good skirt...
:)
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