911, What is your emergency?

Oh, it has been far too long since we've had a 911 report!
Culled from the pages of several smallish newspapers in OH and KY--and remember kids, someone actually dialed 911 for this stuff. Enjoy!

12:13 a.m.: Criminal mischief: Advised fecal matter smeared on an apartment, Main Street.
And you just know what they said when they discovered this little present, “Oh…”


5:21: Gas leak/strong smell: Advised of smelling gas around John Gray's area
A) I told John Gray to take a dang bath
B) What are you doing smelling his area?

7:46: Abandoned vehicle: Caller advised white car up Castle Fork, nobody around vehicle. Dispatch advised that is called parking.

2:54 p.m.: Attempting to locate a white truck selling meat to elderly people in area of Wittensville.
Caller would like to purchase several pork chops…


9:06: Advised of cream colored S-10, threw garbage out in his driveway, has "Sweet N Low" on back windshield.
Hey now, I’m a Splenda gal myself, but is liking saccharin really a crime?

9:27: Advised he had smoke coming from his toilet, Pointview Court.
Caller advises he flushed firecracker...

3:15: Juvenile complaint: Sixteen-year-old male subject on probation walking behind apartments, Sixth Street.
Probation specifically states that juveniles shall only walk in front of apartment buildings...

11:35: Drug complaint: Request officer in reference to foul smell in her bedroom
Officer advised to search area for John Gray...

4:35: Theft complaint: Advised someone just stole his pants, keys to his vehicle, wallet, will meet officers at front desk, James S. Trimble Blvd.
Caller advises he'll be the one with no pants on...