911, What is your emergency?

Oh, it has been far too long since we've had a 911 report!
Culled from the pages of several smallish newspapers in OH and KY--and remember kids, someone actually dialed 911 for this stuff. Enjoy!

12:13 a.m.: Criminal mischief: Advised fecal matter smeared on an apartment, Main Street.
And you just know what they said when they discovered this little present, “Oh…”


5:21: Gas leak/strong smell: Advised of smelling gas around John Gray's area
A) I told John Gray to take a dang bath
B) What are you doing smelling his area?

7:46: Abandoned vehicle: Caller advised white car up Castle Fork, nobody around vehicle. Dispatch advised that is called parking.

2:54 p.m.: Attempting to locate a white truck selling meat to elderly people in area of Wittensville.
Caller would like to purchase several pork chops…


9:06: Advised of cream colored S-10, threw garbage out in his driveway, has "Sweet N Low" on back windshield.
Hey now, I’m a Splenda gal myself, but is liking saccharin really a crime?

9:27: Advised he had smoke coming from his toilet, Pointview Court.
Caller advises he flushed firecracker...

3:15: Juvenile complaint: Sixteen-year-old male subject on probation walking behind apartments, Sixth Street.
Probation specifically states that juveniles shall only walk in front of apartment buildings...

11:35: Drug complaint: Request officer in reference to foul smell in her bedroom
Officer advised to search area for John Gray...

4:35: Theft complaint: Advised someone just stole his pants, keys to his vehicle, wallet, will meet officers at front desk, James S. Trimble Blvd.
Caller advises he'll be the one with no pants on...

To import or not to import

That is the question.
I'm finally getting around to canceling my Journalspace blog and I need to decide if I should import all those entries to this new blog. I did a few over the weekend, and it was a big pain in the patoot, so I'm probably against it. But, as I was re-reading the old blog, I realized that some of those entries were pretty funny, or otherwise good (and some were self-aggrandizing whines and diatribes) and I didn't want to lose them.

Which brings me to this: why can't I just save them on my computer and not have them shared with the world? Heck, why do the blog thing at all? Okay, these aren't really difficult questions after all--I'm a big showy ham, plain and simple. I really am. And I'm totally okay with that.

So, you'd think I would have liked being on Journalspace, right? I got plenty of traffic (you can track it by day, hour, whatever) and had quite a few comments from folks I don't know. But to be honest, it creeped me the hell out. I never really wanted to be part of an "online community" and it was just as weird as I imagined. There were terrible flame wars in people's (including mine, a few times) comment tails, cross blog feuding and just lots of meanness all around. I'm plenty mean and bitchy already without the extra encouragement.

The first time I got totally slammed was during the short fiction contest--I made the second round of cuts and got about 5 Really Really REALLY nasty private messages from people who didn't like my story, and/or who didn't make the cut. Also they thought I should be run over by a tank, then eviscerated and set on fire. Or worse. All over a stupid, halfway decent-ish short story for a stupid online contest.
I have to tell you, it was scary. I didn't know these people, but the level of invective flying around was more than a little unnerving.

So here I am, back at good old Blogger. Where I can't track down every single person who has visited my blog, and everytime I visit someone's blog and neglect to comment I don't get a nasty email. Ahhh, I'm home again!

One more, then I promise I'm done

One of my co-workers mentioned that I was remiss in mentioning Yankee Rose, by David Lee Rose which he considers the best stripper song of all time.

I also feel that I've neglected Aerosmith, who make it their business to make great stripping music. I'd choose Rag Doll (my personal favorite) or possibly Same Old Song and Dance.

So now I promise, no more. I hope.

Even more stripper songs

I just keep thinking of them...

Mr. Ameliabee noted that I was remiss in mentioning one of my all-time favorites, Cherry Pie by Warrant. I know, I know, but I still love it. I also had kind of a thing for Jani Lane--this was during my Trashy Rock and Roller period. (Not to be confused with my Alterna-Rocker or Depressed Goth Guy periods) Also, I was still drinking a lot back then. But still you gotta admit, Jani was quite easy on the eyes.



Another one for my stripper list would be Give it to Me Good, by Trixter. Once again, I loved the song and cute little PJ Farley was not bad to look at. Not bad at all. (that's him on the right)



















PJ has a new band now (Trixter didn't last too long, sadly) called RA, and he still looks pretty good if you ask me...

Me, i, and Strippers

I used to think I had fairly eclectic and unique tastes in music--I love the Beach Boys and Tool equally. I'm a sucker for anything with harmony, and/or a crunchy, bass-heavy riff. What I've learned from the Age of the iPod is that most people have similarly catholic tastes, which we all think of as being unique, and this is seen as a badge of Acceptable Quirkiness. We take our little bits of moral superiority where we can, I suppose.

Along with my Wonderful Amazing New Computer I have discovered a Wonderful Amazing new obsession/vice. Ameliabee, meet iTunes. A match made in heaven. Only 99 cents a song? Just about any song my crazy tilt-a-whirl of a memory can dredge up? Oh, baby, where do I sign up!!

I've been downloading and downloading and downloading for weeks--making mix CD's of happy songs, sad songs, peppy songs, 80's songs (Lots of 80's songs) and Really Heavy rock. A new CD every day for work! Woo hoo! Believe me, this makes editing articles about non-intentional heat transfer in foundation walls much, much easier.

One of the songs I downloaded is Firewoman by The Cult. An old favorite of mine, and not just because Ian Astbury is H-O-T (despite looking a little too much like Jim Morrison, and the whole "Doors of the 21st Century" project).

If I were a stripper, Firewoman would be my signature song. Many years ago I worked in a nightclub called "The Cadillac Club." (No, it wasn't That kind of nightclub, just a regular dance club--but with a name like the Cadillac Club I can't blame you for asking ;) Anyway. Despite not being That kind of club, we did have strippers twice a month--one troupe of men, one of women. Somehow, I always seemed to work on the stripper nights, and so got to know some of the girls pretty well. I already knew one of the guy strippers--his name was Alan and he went to my high school. Only now he called himself "Samson" and wore hot pink thong underwear in public instead of pants. Not pretty. Each of the dancers had their signature song; for the guys it usually involved some sort of theme outfit, chaps, tool belt, etc; the girls picked a song they really loved that made them feel sexy. (which is a plus, considering that they were going to make Very Friendly with a pole while it played in the background.) I think if I were a stripper, and here we should all have a moment of silent thankful prayer that I am not, Firewoman is the song I'd pick.

This made me wonder what other songs I'd have as my stripping songs...and here is what I thought of so far:
Tease Me, Please Me The Scorpions
KickStart My Heart Motley Crue
You Shook Me All Night Long AC/DC

Now its your turn! What songs would you have on your stripper mix?

Hail, Hale and Heart felt

There was a brief, but terrific thunderstorm this evening—with hail the size of golfballs crashing down for about 5 minutes. From our front stoop, I could see my neighbors up and down the street, all standing in their entryways watching the hail bounce off cars and roll down the street. I grabbed a few of the hailstones and watched them melt in my hand. The stones were spherical, but not round--like they’d been expelled from god’s giant frozen pastry bag, fitted with the star tip.

The past few days have been lovely…I feel really there for the first time in ages.
I feel aware, I feel like writing—and in fact can’t stop myself from scribbling down quick vignettes, scraps of story that float into my mind while I’m driving, or walking, or cleaning. I am listening to music again, I’m feeling so full of creation that I could burst.
This is a good thing, I’ve been empty and utilitarian far too long.

Hair it Is!

I'm going to let you in on a little hobby of mine...silly store names and signs.

Mostly they are from hair salons, like this one from Fort Atkinson, WI:

Want to see more? Check out my photos at flickr. You can click on the button to the left, or go to my photo page http://flickr.com/photos/amybee

Some Colossi

Here are some photos from a recent trip to Stevens Point.

Both are from the Pioneer Restaurant and Gas Station in Westfield.

Pioneer

Me and the Giant Pioneer (fingers added for scale)

Little Friend

Rob has a little friend!

There were also a pair of oxen (closer to lifesize) and a big lumberjack way up on a sign.

Worth the stop if you are headed north on the Interstate!

Emails from the Public!

I thought I'd start out today sharing some great emails I received from the website at work. Working in renewable energy, one encounters some interesting folks...

"yYour web site is cool. it has inspired me to use renewable resources. I got one of those flash lights. the ones whee you shake for 20 seconds and last for an half an hour. Those are my favorite. I carry them in me pink purse. Now everyone asks me, "do you have the renewable flash light?" And i say "Ya i have it in my pink big flashy purse". I love all of your ideas. But there is one thing i hate!...... Farms? i mean farms! i hate the smell of cow pies and pig mud. And rotten chicken eggs. Couldn't you of said...."Make yourself a cabin. log cabin at least. Or with a fire place that burns wood. That isn't waisting. Is it. But the whole red shack is gone! And those take your money on feeding the animals and farming the gay corn. You need money for those machines don't ya. That is my comment thank you."

Wow. From a Big Pink Flashy Purse to Gay Corn.
Sadly her irrational homophobic fear of corn products will blind her to the great advances coming in the field of bio-diesel. She'll end up alone, in the dark, shaking her flashlight and crying out, "Ya! Dontcha love my purse? I use renewable resources!" while the world moves ahead without her.

A few days later I received this email--which was sent to the email address for our multi-family housing program:

"Call out Gouranga be happy...

Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga

That which brings the highest happiness!"

Perhaps I should forward this to the cornophobe...she could use some high happiness.