When it rains, it pours...

First, the good news: They fixed the bathtub and I can take a bath now, so there is a possibility of my calmer self emerging in the near future.

Now, the bad news:
1) Due to the aforementioned dining room waterfall, a patch of the ceiling in our dining room has crashed to the floor. This is not a completely bad thing, as the dropped ceiling there is Really Really Really Ugly and from the looks of it (the plaster underneath looks pretty bad) they'll have to replace the whole thing.

2) When the Penske was parked outside last night. Someone tagged it with spray paint. We'll have to pay for the damage, and heaven-only-knows how much that will be. If I ever catch the kid that did it I'm going to wear them out (as my mom would say). Little shit.

3) We spent another 8 hours in the truck yesterday, driving to Kentucky and back. The good part is we stopped at one of my favorite places--the Louisa Paveillion (yes, that is how they spell it) and I'll have photos to post when our internet gets hooked up at home.

4) Our internet does not get hooked up until Wednesday. I am having severe withdrawal episodes.

I've asked AJ (Answer Jesus) what all this means, but he is conspicuous by his silence. I'm truly on the verge of a Big Ugly Moving Breakdown, complete with Monumental Hysterics. I only hope it does not happen here in the public library...but as Nonanon and the Laundress can tell you, that does indeed happen.

Super Quick Update

Hi y'all.
I'm writing from the public computer at the public library, and the little ticking clock tells me I only have a few minutes left, so I'll be brief. (Or I'll intend to anyway, as you know I'm notoriously long-winded...)

We did indeed make it to Ohio in several large pieces, although about half-way through Indiana I wasn't so sure.

I want to give a huge, I mean HUGE shout out to one Ms. Lisa F. She came over and helped us load the truck--by which I mean did most of the loading herself. Rob and I would still be loading the god-forsaken truck if it weren't for her. She even politely neglected to mention that I was being Extra Super Whiny And Bitchy about the whole thing.
She is a goddess, and I have never had a better friend. Ever.

Our first night in the new place, I decided to take a bath. As I was soaking, Mr. Ameliabee noticed some splashy sounds coming from the first floor. Indeed, there was a waterfall coming from the ceiling, into the dining room, and continuing through that floor into the basement.
Big mess. I still don't know what the heck happened--we'd taken several showers and that was fine. The landlord is coming over to have a look this afternoon. In the meantime a big chunk of the ceiling fell down. All of this narrowly missed our computer, Mr. Ameliabee's books and our spiffy new sideboard. Thank God.

I asked Jesus what the heck was going on, and if this means the move was a big mistake. He said he needed to ask his Dad, so who knows?

But, other than floods and collapsing ceilings things are so far so good. I'm hoping to have our internet hooked up by week's end so more photos will be forthcoming.

What would Jesus do?

I don't know, but now I can just ASK HIM. Directly. No Middleman/Middleangel.

How can I do this? Because I have just received what is possibly the Greatest Gift Ever.


Ladies and Gentlemen, please say hello to Answer Me Jesus. Not only is this fellow a lovely shade of pink, he answers questions too! Just ask a question, give the Saviour a slight shake and turn him over to see the answer:


Here Jesus is telling me "The Holy Water Will Sting" This is not a good answer.

I have decided that Jesus will accompany us on any new and exciting adventures--including riding up front in the Penske on Monday as we drive across Indiana. You never know when you might just have a question!

Okay, who turned off my brain?

Lately I feel like someone turned off my brain and forgot to tell me. Or maybe I left it on for a few days and forgot the charge the batteries?

Here is just a short list of the things I haven't been able to remember these past two weeks:

• The last name of one of my dear friends from high school (Mr. Ameliabee finally came up with it)
• My mom's phone number (it hasn't changed since I was 8)
• The name of the band that sang "Blister in the Sun" (thankfully Mr. Ameliabee remembered that it was the Violent Femmes)
• Karly's last name
• How to get to Cub Foods from my house
• Why I came to Cub Foods
• What I did with the thing I was Just Holding, Right Here in My Hand for-the-love-of-god
• What I was looking for. I was looking for something, right?

And this is just the beginning. I know I'm really stressed out about moving, employment, etc in addition to my general background mental problems--but this scares me a bit. There are some serious mental illnesses in my family and I'm constantly on the lookout for symptoms in myself, which may or may not be a mental illness in and of itself, but I digress.

I don't think this is anything serious, maybe I'm just like Homer Simpson: "Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

I can still drive, so I guess I'm ahead of that curve...

They're the kids...

I found this whilst trolling around on YouTube. If you haven't discovered YouTube yet, you are really missing out...

This is the theme from a Saturday Morning Show that I loved, Loved, LOVED as a kid. It was called The Kids from C.A.P.E.R. (Civilian Authority for the Protection of Everybody, Regardless)

Here is the theme song from the opening credits: (Dial up warning, this is a big-ish file)


The premise of the show was that the Kids weren't just a lean mean crime fighting machine (who drove around in a van with a hot dog on the roof) they were also:
A) Very Cute
B) A Rock Band
C) Not such great singers, really--but refer again to A

There was a Kids from C.A.P.E.R. album, which my cousin Theresa had which included their only "big" hit...The Hurricane Song (which I dedicate to Beth).



Believe it or not, I remembered all the lyrics. 30 years later. I'll bet Theresa would too. We played that album so many times, I'm surprised it didn't melt. Or my Uncle didn't melt down and break it in half.

Theresa had the game Payday, which can only be described as a blatant attempt by our parents to get their education all mixed in with our fun. Any middle schooler can tell you-- these are two great tastes which do not taste great together. We of course, thwarted their evil learning plans by playing the game in our own way. That was, divide up all the cards (which were bills, loan payments, etc) and the money, and act like we (as wives of one of the C.A.P.E.R. Kids) were balancing our checkbooks.

I always picked PT, and Theresa picked Doomsday. (even as a kid I went for the smart guys!) We'd bitch about how much our husbands were spending on dry-cleaning, carp about "surprise" bills that we didn't know were coming, and harp about how our hubbies needed to bring home more money. We talked about raising our kids, how they needed haircuts, talked back and were a real disappointment. We must have sounded like little Peg Bundys, but I suppose we were learning after all...learning to become nagging housewives?

Wha??

I don't know wha my Ski Her is, but I'm sure it isn't good.

She has returned

Hey there. Long time, no type.

I could make excuses about my$*?%@ computer and long trip to Ohio, but...okay I will.

For some reason that I cannot understand, my computer aged approximately 100 years in a week. Seriously, I think I could chisel word documents out of stone faster than type them on this thing. For once though, I purchased the extendo-warranty from Best Buy...and I'm glad I did! I took it in, the Geek Squad had a look, and they fixed me right up. Now we are back in reasonably good shape, still running a little bit slow, but nothing I can't live with. What was the problem? I believe it had something to do with gremlins, space radiation and eggplant--or something like that. Seriously, I think that the fellow was not speaking English to me at some point. I suppose that is why they are Geek Squaders, and get to wear the nifty uniforms and I'm the girl on the other side of the counter saying, "then the screen was all like, black you know? And this thing was blinking? Right? and so I panicked and hit F10. Then it like took over and did something to the memory. I think."

Long trip to Ohio...well, it was long. I mean Really LONG. It is about a 9 hour drive one way, which by midwest standards isn't that bad. But since January I've driven it 4 times, which is way too many. Plus, most of the trip is driving diagonally through Indiana, so as not to miss one square inch. Woo hoo.

Only one more trip to go! We signed our lease for the new place, and got utilities all set up, etc. That was the easy part. The hard part was *dum, dum, te dum* The Bathroom.

As we all know, I am not in contention for any Housekeeper of the Year award, and Martha Stewart would probably start drinking drain cleaner straight out of the bottle if she saw my bedroom (I haven't made the bed since, lets see...how long have I been married? 11 years?) but my motto is clean enough to be reasonably healthy, without requiring much effort on my part. Like Nonanon, I love to read books about "nesting" and organizing your home, then toss them in a big pile in a corner somewhere. But...I look like the Avenging Angel of Good Housekeeping compared to the folks who lived in the new apartment. How bad was it?

There was mildew Inside the Showerhead.
Inside. the Showerhead.

And don't even get me started on the toilet. I am the girl who worked in nursing homes, cleaned up after many, many drunks in the bars I worked at and never batted an eye. The toilet seat made me gag out loud.
It was Green and Fuzzy around the hinges.
Green. and Fuzzy.

We went to Home Depot and bought a new toilet seat and showerhead. God Bless my sister Martha who helped with cleaning the shower and tub despite several bouts of gagging and getting a little high on cleaner fumes...

Seriously though. I get not being super clean. I get that. But how they could feel like they were getting clean in that shower stall is beyond me. Goodness and light eventually prevailed though--along with a lot of bleach. It is not possible for that bathroom to be cleaner if it were made out of Solid Bleach. Still and all, I'm going to paint it. I just won't feel good about it until I know that the Funk of Forty Thousand Years can no longer touch me.

Two more things of note--we went Glow Bowling, which was just about the most fun I've had in a long time, and Julie got 4 strikes in a row! I know three in a row is called a Turkey, and apparently anything more than that is a "bagger." So Julie had a 4-bagger. Is it just me or does that sound vaguely insulting? I like Super Turkey better.

Also had a trip to Mickey's where a fellow asked if he could drink our liquor remainders, another guy named Ben became our new best friend, and many White Russians were had. Good times.

There are quite a few new photos in the the Flickr account if you want to have a look-see. Just click on the Flicker button thing over in the right margin area. Some more of the new apartment, some of the trip, a few new signs and Glow Bowling!

Quick,call 911!

Its time again, for the 911 Report! Actual police blotter reports culled from newspapers around the Midwest. (snarky comments provided by me, of course)
Enjoy, and don't forget--no problem is too small for a 911 call!

3:51: Extra patrol: Bee Branch.
Wow! I didn’t know I had a whole Branch dedicated to me!

2:36: Prowler complaint: Advised he saw the shadow of a person around his residence, Rt. 689.
Caller also reports, a face through a window, crying in the night, the night which turns into morning… (that was for all you Barry fans out there!)

7:25: Advised subjects were fighting chickens across from Country Market past 201 Speedway.
Caller advises that the chickens are winning…

7:40: Request officer to check out female with short blonde hair at Hill Top Market, running the cash register, had trouble giving change.
Caller wants to know what is wrong with kids these days? Don’t they learn math in school? They can’t make change without the cash register? Caller also feels they play their music too dang loud...

8:26: Reference to stolen four-wheeler, caller advised subject that stole four-wheeler is leaving the area with the four-wheeler.
Sir, you’ll have to tell me what item has been stolen, I’m just not clear on that…

8:32: Advised a male subject came to his house and threatened him and advised he was going to go get something to take care of him, Millers Creek.
Male subject returned with several spa treatments and a yummy dessert…

1:12: Extra patrol: Reference to a couple of subjects walking up and down the road in front of her residence, Riverdale Drive.
Caller advises she doesn’t like that physical fitness crap…

10:38: Suspicious person/ vehicle: Advised there are some bikes in front of a store, S. Mayo Trail.
Caller advises he built a parking lot for cars, not these crazy bicyclists…

12:05 p.m.: Caller requested the F.D. in reference to her 15-month-old child is locked inside her vehicle and he needs suctioned.
Suctioned!? You know, I just can’t improve on this one.

4:41: Advised he was renting a house and the renters have black plastic on the windows.
Attention All Units, we have a possible Goth sighting on Taylor Branch—caller also reports hearing something called “Bauhaus” and a general feeling of ennui…

3:15: Assault: Female has been assaulted at B&W Appliance.
Geez…those salesmen are getting serious about selling those front load clothes washers!

5:28: Suspicious person/vehicle: Male subject walking in Arby's parking lot carrying a big stick.
Subject may be difficult to locate, as he is Walking Softly…