That was/is me. Got a wicked (and not wikkid awesome, mind you) case of viral bronchitis.Not fun. I was completely out of commission for 3 days, made it to work for one, then out again for 2.
Tomorrow, I try again.
For now, the scary Death Rattle noise seems to be gone, which was quite disturbing. I've felt like my lungs are slowly filling up and I am drowning. Much like it must feel suffering from emphysema. But all the time.
My grandmother had emphysema, and I'm pretty sure my mother does too...it is a shitty way to go. So listen up people--if you smoke, stop before you get it. Trust me, it is not pretty.
But, I am doing better overall today; able to go for at least an hour without a racking cough that causes me to see stars. Hooray! I've also slacked off on the sinus headache medicine with no horrible effects. The corner has been turned, I hope. Mr. Ameliabee had this for 2 weeks before I did, and we are due for a good airing-out and general disinfecting.
But, the one thing I can't air out and disinfect is my conscience, and I realize once again the value of the confessional to my faith. Last week I did something I feel horrible about. I gossiped very meanly about someone, completely for my own benefit. It wasn't privileged information, not something I should have held in confidence...but something I should have thought at LEAST twice about sharing. There was nothing vital in the information, nothing that would serve a real purpose--just raise my "status" in the eyes of the receiver. I feel crappy about it.
Having been on the losing end of the gossip pass more times than I can possibly remember, I know how it feels to know your private shame has been made public fodder, for no other purpose than your social ridicule.
So why did I do it? Why have I ever done it? Because I am addicted to Belonging. I want so badly and in so many ways for people to Like Me Like Me Like ME that I'll do all kinds of crazy things which are against my better judgment. Like gossiping, as a handy example.
I long to apologize to the aggrieved party, but won't. So far as I am aware, they do not know I have been so cruel, and it would only make them feel worse to know that I (and now the person I told, who has doubtless been spreading the word) have been talking about them. So this shame is mine to bear. And I'm sorry to have it.
1 comment:
Oh, I so feel you. I have had bacterial pneumonia AND bronchitis AND strep throat al within the last 5 months. I must have soooooo screwed the karma train somewhere. Chris got really excited the other day when he noticed I hadn't coughed all day. 5 minutes later it was doozy, and he was ever so disappointed. Ah well.
As far as the gossipy thing, just by feeling bad about it, you're better than most of us. Word.
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