The Return of 911...

By very special request from the lovely Ms. Leslie, it is time for:
The Return of the 911 Report!
For the newer folks out there--these are actual entries from published police blotters. The snarky comments are my fault, however.
Enjoy!

1:38: Suspicious person/ vehicle: Three trucks parked in the upper level parking lot at Mayo School, they pulled in and turned the lights off.
**May be part of new Stealth Parking gang…**

3:29: Advised they had received a call from a male subject driving an 18-wheeler with food products stuck on a bridge somewhere
**What kind of food products are stuck on the bridge, sir?***

2:13: Suspicious individuals on scene: Advised of man in area sellings mags, advised he tried to get into residence down the street.
**Caller advised entry attempted by means of ringing the doorbell…**

1200 block of Summit St.: Apartment was broken into while victim was at work. A total of 6 DVDs and a carton of orange juice was stolen.
**Burglar really needed to get his Vitamin C**

4:00: Harassment complaint: Male subject has ball bat trying to fight, Bridge Street
**No, no, no. You start the fight after he barely misses you with the pitch**

3:35: Public drunk: Caller wanted to report 15-20 people on horses, possibly intoxicated. **Really, what can you say about this one?**

6:20: Unknown disturbance: Advised of three male juveniles sitting on the guardrail across from Wittensville Apts. shining something into people's faces when they drive by.
**Caller suspects it might be a lamp**

8:22: Theft complaint: Request officer in reference to theft of extension cord.
**I’d check up by Wittensville Apts, if I were you…**

11:09: Has a female eating everything she can get ahold of
**Caller advises suspect looks like Ameliabee…**

2:34: Requested to speak with Unit 9 in reference to some fingerprints he had done.
**Caller feels the prints didn’t show the “Real Me,” would like to do them over…**

8:29: Assault: Male subject advised he was hit by a club, advised he was not hurt, then hung up, Powell Addition.
**The 4-H club? The Garden Club? The Stamp Collectors Club?**

And Finally, just for you Corinna--
9:00: Request officer in reference to a cat in her garage acting like its crazy and won't let her out the door, Euclid Ave.
**Caller believes this is Bob the Cat from Madison, Wisconsin…**

New year, New Blogger?

I've made the leap to the New Improved Blogger.
So...things might look wonky for a little bit while I work the kinks out.

I'm especially having trouble with images, so if there is a favorite photo you can no longer see, all my images are also on my flickr page.

Watching with my eyes closed.

I did not watch the OSU-Florida game, but I couldn't resist monitoring it on the internet.
It was a terrible thing to almost watch.

To all you OSU football players out there--because so many must read this blog, right?--you have my sympathy.

I've been reading some of the Sports Bloggers out there, and the level of invective directed at these kids is stunning. Back it up, people. It was a football game. Played by college students.

I have always been impressed by Jim Tressel's ability to lose and win with grace and poise. He is gracious in defeat, even more so in victory and that has rubbed off on his players. Witness these quotes from Troy Smith:
"Can't say enough about the University of Florida and their play. When you are going into a game like this and lose this way, obviously you lost this way for a reason."

"If this is the worst thing that happens to us in life, then I'm pretty cool."

Ah. Perspective. Doesn't that feel nice?

Go Bucks

I'm not a tremendous football fan, having come into a hazy understanding of the game only a few years ago. Any understanding I have is due to my tremendously patient husband who puts up with my crazy questions, my tendency to psychoanalyze coaches and sportscasters, and my continued references to things like the "special point" and "early going." Also that I really do like the Packers. They're a coop, for heavens sake...

Tonight, as you may have heard, there is a football game on the television. If you live in Columbus and aren't in a state of suspended animation, you know that this game is the National Championship and that Ohio State is playing. I'm an OSU alum, and while not a huge booster, I really want this one for OSU. For all of the Big 10, really. If OSU can win the title again, maybe, just maybe the Big 10 will start to get some respect. And maybe, just maybe Brent Musburger will stop being so patronizing about the Buckeyes. Doubtful on all counts, but a girl can dream can't she?

As a former college athlete (Yes, I know it is hard to believe given my current state of "fitness," but I once rowed varsity crew, played field hockey and was a cheerleader. Shocking!), I have a great amount of respect for the kids that play high-profile sports like football. College is difficult enough without all the extra work that goes into being what amounts to an unpaid professional athlete like OSU football players. I know, I know...they get perks, and they aren't very smart, and they are meatheads and la la la. To which I say, Whatever. I had a few OSU football and basketball players in my classes, and they not only got good grades, but had to miss tons of classes for practices and games. For every bonehead who screws up in a spectacular way (Maurice Clarrett comes to mind), there are 10 scholar athletes working themselves half to death to get an education.

But for all my boosterism, I don't think I'm going to watch the game. It may be partially that I am afraid that the Buckeyes might lose which would make me very sad. But, it might be that no matter how great the game is, it will seem a let down after months of incessant hyping. So in absentia--Go Bucks! Woo Hoo!

Once upon a time...

Or Auld Lang Syne, as the season will have it.

Once upon a recent time we drove down, down, down to Kentucky for an uncomfortable and unhappy visit with the Appalachian branch of the Ameliabee family. We did get to see my sister-in-law, who finally seems happy and balanced. We also go to see my mother-in-law who would test the patience of Job, and certainly tested mine. There was alot of other stuff you don't want to hear about--but suffice it to say that we were glad to put that trip in the rearview mirror.

We spent Christmas Day with our friends and their little ones, which was fun and frenetic as only Christmas with a two year old can be.
We also spent New Years eve with them, and played charades. I hadn't played charades for a long, long time and had forgotten just how fun it was! All I can say is...Sooz does a mean plague of locusts. And a pretty good Ren and Stimpy too!

To top off the holidays, I received the gift I'd been longing for from Mr. Ameliabee. No, silly...not a diamond ring or a Lexus with a bow on top. Seriously, I would kill Mr. Ameliabee if he bought a car without telling me first. Kill him.

So...it wasn't a car. It was a Chia Pet. A Chia Cow, complete with udders. Click here to see some photos...

The New Year is here, and I suppose time for some resolutions. I'd make one about posting to the blog more, but I don't want to give you an asthma attack from laughing too hard.

If it helps, several times I day I compose blog entries in my head, but since I can't stick a wire in my ear and download directly to the computer, there they stay.

I haven't been entirely lazy though, there are quite a few new photos in the flickr gallery. Check em out!

I feel the Advil PM kicking in and so will sign off...and drink a cup of kindness, to Once Upon a Time.

Tag, I'm it!

I've been tagged by the lovely Ms. Corinna.
So, just in case you wanted to know my holiday peccadilloes...

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
This is a hard, one, but I'll have to go with the Chocolate.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
This Santa wraps, badly. My gifts always look like manic gerbil tried to wrap them.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
No house lights, and if we had a tree there would be colored lights.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Nope.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
15 minutes before company arrives

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
My mom's creamed corn pudding. It is so sweet it is almost dessert, yet counts as a vegetable. Mmmm.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
My Grammie and Poppy would have us write letters to Santa, then they'd make a big fire in the fireplace. We'd put the letters in the fireplace and run out to watch the embers blowing out of the chimney, carrying our wishes to Santa. Sounds kind of strange, I know but when I was little it was as close to magic as I've ever seen.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
My mom told me when I was about 5.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
We always opened the gifts from out of town friends and family after midnight Mass.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
We haven't had a tree for years--but this year we bought a tree stand, so next year we are LOCK for a tree. I just know it.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
I love snow. Makes being cold seem worth it.

12. Can you ice skate?
Are you kidding? You've met me, right? The girl who trips over dust? No--ice skating is not one of my Many Talents.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
1,001 Electronics Kit

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Reflecting on the year gone by, and the people who made it special.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Punkin Pie. With Cool Whip.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I don't have too many--Rob and I have a solstice traditional ritual of letting go and bringing in which actually requires the use of cookies, so I'd have to say that is my favorite.

17. What tops your tree?
Likely a star, if I ever manage to get my crap together enough to purchase a tree. We do have TONS of LED lights though!

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
I'm rather uncomfortable with receiving gifts, but I really like to give them. If I were rich, I'd be like Oprah and constantly shower everyone I know with gifts. So keep praying for me to win the lottery!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
O Come, O Come Emmanuel

A close second though, is Father Christmas from Warrant (long after the lovely Jani Lane left the band)
Here is a sample of the thought provoking chorus:
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys
Beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
It is available on iTunes. I'm just saying...

(In case you care, my LEAST favorite Christmas Song? Rockin around the Christmas Tree. *shudder*)

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Love 'em!

The Ghost of Christmas Fake

We had Christmas this weekend with my family. Actually, Fake Christmas as my sister repeatedly reminded me, because Real Christmas is next week. *sigh*

We have to visit both families for major holidays--and they live states apart. Neither side is very charitable about visits to the other, and frankly I've had it up to here with the whole thing. We are going to see Rob's family over Saturday and Sunday and staying at our own home on Monday. I want to spend Christmas in a happy comfortable place alone with my husband. Is that so wrong?

Yeesh. We did have a nice visit however, which is an improvement over most Christmases past. This is the first big holiday since my father passed away, and I knew it would be difficult for my mom. I wasn't prepared for how difficult it has been for me. I never had a great relationship with my father--but the holidays seem to bring out the sentimental side of all of us, and we spend a lot of time talking about early Christmases, the ones before our family went completely down the crapper. It was somewhat sad, but somewhat nice, and I've had enough of the trip down memory lane for a while.

The high point of the weekend was going through our old record albums. My favorite oldie but moldy? Children for Dora Hall. Ms. Dora is considered the queen of vanity variety entertainment. Her husband founded the Solo Cup Company and apparently indulged Dora's dreams of becoming a star. From this wonderful album our faves included: Mr. Boogie Woogie, Tony the Pony, and the infamous Dr. Sniffle Swiper. Good stuff.

Next in line? The Disneyland "Addition and Subtraction" album with my mom's Most Hated Song--Ten Little cannibals. And for your enjoyment--here are the lyrics (the song itself repeated twice, and we played it at least 115 times daily) completely from memory. Yes, I remember the lyrics to the Ten Little Cannibals song, just don't ask my what my zip code is.

Once upon a time there were 10 little cannibals swinging on a vine
One tried to pet a big wildcat and then there were nine
One of the nine drank turpentine
Then there were eight
Then one more fell dead on the floor and seven was their fate.
One went in politics, then there were only six
One took a dive now five we see
One went to Singapore then there were only four
One turned green, and then there were three
One fell into some glue, then there were only two
They drank from a loving cup.
One became a skeleton, then there was only one and he...ate himself...all.....up!

Flashes...

And not hot ones, either.

I know I'm supposed to be giving up my gossip blogs, but I can't help myself--just a little peek now at then.

In so peeking, I got way more of any eyeful than I bargained for. As you may know, Ms. Britney Spears has been making a new career out of flashing her panty-less unmentionables to any and everyone. So now every one knows that what she has is very much the same as what we all have. Taa Daa!

But I digress. The real joy I've gotten out of this Series of Unfortunate Events is learning all the ways that people have of referring to the Thing that Britney is flashing.

Here are my faves:

• private parts
• nether regions
• her goods
• yoohoo
• her no-no special place
• her most intimate parts
• vajay
• coochie
• bagina
• vajayjay

I once would have said that we have more slang terms for male naughty bits than female, but Britney is on a one woman crusade to prove me wrong. To prove me wrong with her no-no special place...